SUSAN DEBORAHS

My testimony

I think people need to know that it’s never easy speaking about the things you have been through, and I guess the guilt that I had and the shame was exposed today as I heard that the video had gone up. 

It’s so hard, because it’s so easy for people to judge you based on where you are coming from, and have this instant perception of the type of person you might be. 

But joy fills my heart knowing that I have a relationship with God, that hasn’t failed me yet. Realizing that in the midst of all my struggles and my pain god has always been there. His mercies are enw every morning in accordance with Lamentations 3. 

People may wonder, how did you overcome? Do you still miss your parents? Do you still do this or that? The answer to all those questions are, I AM HUMAN, but In my weakness Gods strength is made perfect. I know this, because to live is a fight and it was a fight even before my mother gave birth to me. But when you hold unto the almighty, there is such a peace, and this isn’t me being clique this is me being real. 

I am coming from depression, abuse and suicide. Everyday was death mentally, to someone who wants to live life, that is a founder of a business, someone who wants to make an impact in the world, by telling everyone what God has done. Even if 3 people see this its okay, that’s imapct because life is about the domino effect. so they are going to tell someone that knows someone that knows someone and the world. 

So yeah, I would love to go into detail but I will put that on pause. 

Love you and keep supporting. 

Keep pushing

DO NOT FORGET

I write this post for me as well as you!

It’s so easy to forget your dreams and what God has said, in the midst of trying times. 

But Don’t forget. 

Keep the word on your wall or on the back of your door. Do whatever you need to do, so you do not forget. 

Situations are but for a moment but we choose whether they scar us for a life time. 

I sat down and spoke to God for a moment, and I just felt at peace because I know when I have forgotten, HE has not. In faith I run this race because in faith I am still standing. I am still making history in my books. 

MY thermometer of success is not based on my circumstances, my endurance is and I choose to keep my eye on the mark because God has said.

So the essence of this blog today is this: Do not forget where you are coming from and where God has brought you from. Do not forget where you are going. Do not forget that you are made especially for that vision God has given to you. Do not forget that God is able. Do not forget that everything is but for a moment. Do not forget you were born to WIN!

SD

The day I met my father face to face

Hi all, 

I know I was meant to write a part two of “Memoirs of a young homeless girl”, But I’ve been so busy. Also, I dislike writing for the sake of writing, it has to really come from the soul so you know, until it’s heartfelt I don’t think its fair to release it. 

However I have felt led to write about something else that I battled with growing up, which is to do with my biological father. This is a excerpt from my book “My father’s child” well kind of like a preview of what I will be discussing. This book really looks at what I battled with not knowing my biological father and also knowing that he died before I even knew him. So I express abit of that in this blog. I believe God has pressed it on my heart because there’s women out there that have maybe placed it at the back of their minds and don’t know how much of an effect it has, with their day to day activities. 

So yeah, something short even though I started from the moment I said “Hi all” lol. 

As I’ve said many times, my mother and my father are both deceased. I grew up with my mother and she passed away when I was 6. I looked after her because the HIV virus hit her really bad. My father infected my mother with the virus and out of that I was born HIV free. (Praise God for that! I’m a miracle child! REALLY!). MY father passed away before my mother, growing up I didn’t know about a father in the home, I was the only child and my mother was completely single. It was always I and my mother. 

I didn’t know how my father looked like, I couldn’t remember. As I grew up I understood I had a yearning to know him. Maybe I would know why I laugh the way I do, or why I love reading so much. When you watch everyone with their fathers, after school. It really leaves you to wonder. 

I remember a family member forged a letter pretending to be my father. I ran home to my cousin and showed him the letter. That’s when I was told quite sharply “Your fathers dead, he’s not alive! ” It cut so deep. I hoped deep down that my dad would collect me, that I would see his face and be happy. 

This affected me so much because now I was yearning for a males touch, a male to fill the void of not knowing my father. Each relationship crumbled because I couldn’t seperate the fact that the man you marry is for partnership for purpose and pure love and they were never there to fufil the duties of my father. It would be too much to ask for, but they couldn’t play catch up of the years I didn’t know my father, I always wanted more and I didn’t know what it was, I got frustrated, I couldn’t open up because I was closed because of experienced pain. Those that were meant to be a father, didn’t do it right, a father that was meant to tell me how beautiful I was no matter what anyone said, that I was a princess irrespective of what the world presented, that a man had to go through God in order to get through to me. A father that was there to protect and to rescue me. Elements that I didn’t experience, I put it on the man I was in a relationship  with. 

Empty.

Even when I came into Christ, I put the faces of every man, and every let down on the face of God. I was unable to trust him to hold my world but yet I would cry “Where was you? You were meant to protect me!” Every single time things went wrong. I took things into my own hands, making it hard for God to love me, not knowing he is nothing like man, but made himself man to reconcile I and him. 

Yet I struggled, It wasn’t that I just gave up on God, but the people He placed around me to show me Him. I rejected. 

I hit rock bottom and I needed to survive from a broken heart, I was closed into a corner. I had no other choice but to utilize the people that God placed around me, I had to take a risk with God. To find me in Him, through his word and conversation (Prayer). I fell in love understanding pure love. All the things I stated before that I yearned for I found in God my father. 

So this blog post is for anyone searching for a father, He is not absent, He is here!

Good news! I bumped into someone that knew my parents and she sent me a picture of both my parents two weeks ago, I cried when I saw my father. But I was whole knowing that God has me covered.  That was his gift to me personally, its only God that can reveal truth because He loves you more than anything. 

SD

Email me for any questions

iami.iamvision@gmail.com

Memoirs of a young homeless girl #P1

Introduction: 

I do not write this blog for any reason but to encourage and to challenge. To motivate and to help. I was homeless, I think when people hear that term it’s like OH NO!  But to be honest, it’s not OH NO! lol. I count everything as a blessing. The greatest thing is that the Designer had a vision for the small dot on paper. Right? And every time people look at me (his masterpiece), I want them to know that God is real. Always! I was homeless in my mind, I had no stability. Homelessness is not just a position in life its a mindset. (Think about that for a second). So read with open eyes! 

Memoir: 

I remember sleeping on my friends floor the first night, it was alot of things for me. I was depressed and for the first couple of days I felt numb and speechless. I remember telling everyone I was okay, but I wasn’t. I was trying to find a place of safety in my mind first, before I could think about going to the council and sorting out a home.

It was December 2006, I was in college and I got kicked out of home. This time I could openly say it wasn’t me but it was okay. I remember not shedding a tear just because it was Christmas, everything wrong happened at Christmas, my mother and my uncle passed away at this time. Nothing went to plan; so to me it was another Christmas. It was very cold at this point and I didn’t know where to go, because I felt ashamed. I couldn’t tell anyone that I was basically homeless.  All I had was a large red Ghana must go bag, I had some clothes and my song and poetry books, those were my life. I hated the idea of explaining myself, so I told my best friend at the time and silently gave the understanding that I was not going to talk about why and how. I just continued to listen as she cussed.

I spent Christmas with one of my childhood friends. It wasn’t the same but I guess it had to do. I zoned out; I zoned out for a while. Maybe a couple of months. Sleeping on my friends couch and going to my best friends when things got awkward there. Emotionally it was a lot and I found it hard to cope, I was in a relationship at this point so it was a strain to it. I wasn’t working and the friend I was staying with didn’t have much herself.

So I applied for jobs and I remember I had no money (except the odd EMA), I didn’t receive income support for a long while because they refused it (Only God knows how I survived). I received an interview for a call centre in elephant and castle so I used the little money I had, and went to this interview. I got through and I was asked to come back for training day.  I came back for training day and I had no money, I think I even walked from Stockwell to elephant and castle. I got to this nine until five training day, and it was intense, not because I couldn’t do what I needed to do, but because I was so hungry, it was a hot day, it was in a office, it was intense. I didn’t even have any money to buy a 15p cup of soup from the office; I tried to search the ins and outs of my bag for just 5p to get orange juice from the machine. So it was water for me all day, and I wasn’t guaranteed a meal when I got back home. So I would eat at my best friends house but I didn’t ever want to seem greedy or you know look a certain way, her mother always helped me (God bless her).  

I got the job, but work was irregular. It was hard, I got paid weekly but work was hard to get because they called you. You put the hours down on the day they call you and say look we have to cancel you. So times were not the best, I found baby food one time in the place I was staying, and I ate it! I was that hungry and that desperate. I had exams for college, God bless my best friend at the time because she was always there to help me and support.

I studied hard, I tried to stay focused. But the distraction of life took a hold of me. It was intense but I was determined to finish and I wasn’t even saved at this time. One of the support workers at my college told me that maybe I should think about leaving college, or take time off. But I think to me I didn’t want to seem like another statistic. It didn’t make sense, and at that time as much as I wasn’t born again, I still knew that God had me. Its so weird because in the midst of it all, God was there. At that time I never saw or knew, cause apart of me didn’t understand why I had to be the “Chosen” one to go through what I was going through. Why not Jill, you know? She looks like she will enjoy this ride, as for me and my house (My mind). We weren’t into getting demolished and rebuilt. No matter how good the design looked to the architect. That was my mindset, and I guess it was difficult to adapt because i was fighting with God through everything, I heard him call but I didn’t want to answer. Why? Because I had to give up control, that was my life and how it ran. It meant I had to let go of people. I just knew and I didn’t want to. But that is a problem!!! So my situation wasn’t changing, and I’m not talking about a new home and a new job and everything is rosy, NO! I mean I was going to stay depressed. I was going to keep in my shell, and not let anyone in. I was going to stay in my comfort zone. I was going to let my dreams stay under my bed in a broken shoe box but that’s not what God intended. So what was it?

To be continued….

 #STAYALIVE